wrestling with the real thing
One of the hardest things I’ve had to wrestle with during my faith transition was coming face to face with the fact that I was going to disappoint people I care about. My going public could make their hearts heavy with grief, fear, disappointment and sadness. Ugh. I wish there was a way to avoid hurting people while still being true to myself.
I have come to understand so much about the mind, and how we humans cling to beliefs to protect our sense of self and peace. I’ve learned so much about neuroplasticity - how our minds work and how repeated teachings or beliefs can become solid and secure in the mind, even if they aren’t “the real thing”. When our belief is threatened, we tend to get defensive, fearful and frustrated. This is such a human and normal response! So I try not to get offended anymore when people come after me about my personal faith journey.
Last week when I wrote my blog Born Again…Again, I received a direct message from an acquaintance of mine from where we used to live in South Carolina. He said, “If you want to leave the faith, I understand. But I don’t understand why you must become an activist against it.”
To be clear, I’m not an activist or, as he also added, “an evangelist for unbelief.” I’m just sharing my journey publicly. I was quiet about it for over five years because I was afraid to ruffle feathers or disappoint anyone. The problem is, though, that people from my past know me as “Sister Christian”, the woman who was a Christian radio host, speaker, writer and Survivor China contestant. I've changed a bit. And I’ve come to a place where I just want to be honest about where I’m at and what I’m discovering on my journey. If I don’t speak up, I feel like I would be living a lie. That’s never been acceptable to me.
His note to me also contained words like “apostasy”, “Judas”, “error” and the phrase “I’m always saddened when leaders fall”. I completely understand where he’s coming from, of course. I get it. I would have said the same things a number of years ago when I was 100% convinced that what I believed was the one and only way to get to God. And it would have bothered me if someone I knew was not in agreement with me anymore.
There is such a need to defend one’s beliefs in evangelicalism. I’ve spent countless hours in apologetics courses, learning to defend my faith. Defending the faith is a full on war in the eyes of the church. The reason is because fear is so embedded in the faith. Fear of eternal hell if we don’t believe the exact right way. Fear that people we love will burn in hell. I remember this struggle well. Fear is an incredible motivator, but also a heavy burden to bear.
As he wrapped up his note to me, my acquaintance urged me to “wrestle with the real thing instead of a caricature.”
Honestly, I believe that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since my faith transition began six years ago. Wrestling with the real thing. It just looks different than it used to look. And I’ve made peace with that, while also holding space for those who haven’t quite made peace with it yet.
