stepping out of the boat

I remember talking with a friend when I first stopped attending church back in 2017. She said that perhaps the evangelical church could represent the boat the disciples were in when they saw Jesus walking on the water. Jesus called Peter out to walk on the water with Him, away from the boat. She suggested that could be what Jesus was doing with me. Could He have been calling me out of the boat and onto the water for some intimate one-on-one time and at some point, perhaps He and I would return to the boat and things would go back to normal? 

As I stepped out, I remember praying hard. “God, please don’t let me do anything that would break your heart.” With every step out of the church, I felt less and less heavy. I felt safe. I felt seen and I knew fairly quickly that instead of breaking it, I was actually getting to know God’s heart in a deeper and more intimate way.

Over the years, I have never felt Jesus call me back to the boat. Sadly, I’ve witnessed so many people escaping the boat for various reasons, but because of disillusionment or frustration, they did not keep their eyes on Jesus - and they began to sink. I was overwhelmed that so many were leaving and just giving up on God completely. I mean, I get the temptation to stop believing all together - I actually tried to give it all up at one time but I just couldn’t. It felt completely wrong for me to do that and my heart is satisfied believing that there is a God - a Divine Being - who loves us and cares for us all.

As I glanced back at the boat, I had the realization that it was constructed by men, not God. It was built with hands, not hearts. It was not going to withstand the storms of life for much longer the way things were going and soon it would be under water completely if something didn’t change. Instead of fixing the leaks in the boat and making sure it was safe for people, many of the occupants were busy pointing out all the people who left the boat while calling them apostates and glumly assuming out loud that “they were never really one of us”. To me, that is like watching people drown all around you and instead of throwing a life-line, shouting at them, “You should have learned to swim, snowflake!!”

I knew then that Jesus was always going to be a part of whatever I was headed toward. Just because you step out of the boat, it doesn’t mean you have to let go of everything. I need to trust that my relationship with Him is going to be solid enough with or without the evangelical boat, which, to me seems to be sinking at an alarming rate. And I believe it’s sinking because the Jesus that is preached from so many church pulpits in America doesn’t look a whole lot like the Jesus of the Bible. Jesus stood for the marginalized, didn’t believe in weapons, loved everyone, broke down barriers that kept people from knowing God and had His harshest words for the religious people who judged, pointed fingers and condemned other humans.

I guess you could say, I followed Jesus right out of the boat so I could get to know Him personally. And - news flash - He’s amazing. The boat doesn’t have the corner on Jesus. He’s for everyone.

I was recently speaking with my husband about all of this - he’s been great for me to talk to about a lot of the things I’ve been struggling with since leaving the church - and he asked me a very good question. Is my desire now to convince those in the boat that the boat is sinking and it needs to be fixed, or is it to focus on those outside of the boat who are sinking, while offering them hope?

I think it may be a little of both.