AN excerpt FROM MY UPCOMING BOOK…

I finished my book this week and I feel relieved, terrified and excited all at the same time! It will be a bit before it’s out there in the world for all to read, but it’s on its way. It is a memoir of sorts, explaining what was going on in my heart and mind as I began deconstructing some of the theology I had been taught (and taught) in Evangelical Christianity.

I thought I’d share an excerpt from the book with you, just a little “teaser” if you will. It’s from the chapter “Fear and Love”….

When Jesus died on the cross, he said, “It is finished.” He wasn’t specific about what “it” is, but in my heart I truly believe one thing he meant is that all the nonsense, all the fear, all the stuff that keeps us bound up—it’s all over with. I believe that if God’s justice was a big part of who he was, that perhaps the cross took care of that justice. There is no fear in perfect love, and God’s essence is perfect love. When you believe that, your life changes dramatically.

Were you ever exposed to the sermon by Jonathan Edwards titled Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God? For your sake, I sure hope not. But I was. Whew. That one knocked the breath out of me. I remember after hearing that sermon, my fears heightened even more. God was depicted as an angry, frightening being who was disgusted by our sinful nature—the human nature with which we were born. This sermon made it sound like God found deep pleasure in sending people to everlasting torment if they didn’t do as he said. He called us all wicked and made God into a sadistic, fiercely punishing God who wants us all to be destroyed if we don’t know Jesus. It was deathly frightening to hear this sermon and even more scary because I believed it all.

You should see my journal entries from these days. Most of my journals were me apologizing to God for not being good enough. Apologizing to him for being lazy, being self-absorbed or being distracted by the things of the world. I was constantly telling God that I was nothing without him. I couldn’t even breathe without him. I was at his mercy. I was so in awe that he would choose to use me to share his “good news” because I was such a wretch. I looked at it like a miracle.

I was preaching Christ, counseling, mentoring, being mentored, speaking, writing, witnessing…but what if my heart was so wicked that I had no idea that I was actually doing all these good things for the wrong reason? I mean, I definitely couldn’t trust my own heart or my intuition because I was told I was nothing without Christ and that without Him in my heart, God couldn’t even look at me because I was a sinner. But was Christ really in me, or had I deceived myself?

I would have invasive thoughts for hours at a time, usually while trying to go to sleep. I would tell myself, “Well, you’ll know when you are standing face to face with Him - so don’t worry.” But when I stood face to face with Him, would He say, “Away from me! I never knew you!” or would He welcome me in with open arms because of what Jesus had done for me?  What if I had convinced myself of things that weren’t even true?

This circular thinking was crippling me. My intense fear was not serving me at all. My faith was really beginning to unravel. I would talk to Christian friends about my fears and they would dismiss me and say things like, “Well, that’s not at all my experience. I only experience his grace, peace and love! He chases my fears away! I feel so loved and safe with God.”  That felt so dismissive. And honestly, if they were really, really honest with themselves, they would realize fear was definitely a huge part of their faith and theology. How could it not be? If hell was real, if evil was out to get them, they just had to have fear, right?

The fear of God sending us to hell was one of the capstones of the gospel we were taught. The Good News was that God was saving us from hell! All we had to do was believe in Jesus and ask Him into our hearts. But, let’s be real — you really can’t have Good News without also having Bad News. And it was really, really bad. How could anyone be okay with knowing there are people in the world who may never know the Good News that could save them from the Bad News? What if it was their children or their spouse? Didn’t that instill fear in their hearts?

Honestly, during my time as an Evangelical woman in ministry, I was experiencing pure anxiety. And I see now that it all stemmed from my belief system. I began to take medication to help me with this uncontrolled anxiety, but I knew something had to change. Medicine may help me get through the day, but it was never going to fix what was so broken inside of me. I had a lot of work ahead of me. Once I began taking medication, I was able to think a little clearer about things. I realized quickly that my anxiety was coming from the very thing that was supposed to bring me peace—my faith and belief system.

My book, Honoring the Journey: The Deconstruction of Sister Christian, should be out by the end of the year or beginning of next through Quoir Publishing.