PULLING ON THE THREAD
I’m not sure when I began to pull on the thread. You know, the thread that holds your beliefs together like a tightly knit sweater. The kind of sweater that is tight, unforgiving and a little uncomfortable. The thread that, once pulled, can unravel the whole thing. I love that word - unravel - it resonates so deeply in my soul. It's how I've felt for the past seven years or so.
I could say I started pulling on the thread when I was working in different ministries and I saw things behind the scenes that showed me that a lot of what was going on in front of people was not what was really happening behind the scenes.
Perhaps it was when I was a contestant on Survivor China in 2007, where during my journey, I realized quickly how the world perceived Christians because it was the first time I left my protected “Christian Bubble” in South Carolina, the Buckle of the Bible Belt and lived among other religions, cultures and lifestyles.
Maybe it was when I began to get curious about how we could be so cruel to people born as homosexuals by telling them the Bible says they are going to hell. We tell them to come as they are, we accept you no matter what! But...you can't serve in ministry and you can't be a member of our church. Oh, but you can tithe if you want to - and we even encourage that! Homosexual wasn’t even a word until 1868. How did it get into the Bible that was written over 2000 years ago, anyway?
It could also be when I started to try to understand how God could send people who don’t believe in him (in the way I was taught to believe) to hell for eternity - and why he would ever do that if he is (as we have been told) the definition of Love. He tells us to forgive 70X7 times and to love our enemies. So why would He send His enemies to hell for all of eternity to burn in everlasting torment?
Then again, perhaps the questions really started when I moved from the Evangelical Bible Belt to Utah and lived as a minority among a completely different religion - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They prayed and their prayers were answered, they followed Jesus (in a different way, but so many similar ones), they had the same answers to questions that I was taught and they love their people so hard. It was familiar - it reminded me of the Bible Belt I came from. But I was told they were deceived and we were the only ones who had the right answers. Something didn't add up.
No matter when the questions really started, I feel like the first one led to the next one - and so on. The questions kept coming. The sweater began to come apart.
I was always afraid to tell people in my past evangelical circles that I was struggling with questions and doubt because I knew what they would say (and I knew the right and wrong answers to their questions.) Here are two specific things I knew I’d be asked if I talked openly and publicly about my doubts and questions:
“Leslie, are you in fellowship with other believers?”
Translated: “Are you getting theological teaching from an evangelical church, surrounded by evangelical folks who all agree with what is being taught? If not, you’re being deceived.”
“Leslie, are you in the Word?”
Translated: “Nothing you say matters to me unless it lines up with the Bible and if you’re not reading the Bible, or if what you said doesn’t line up with it, I don’t have to listen to you anymore because you are being misled and clearly backslidden.”
Both of those questions are the very first things Christians/Evangelicals ask. I get it, because I was one of those people and I used to ask the same questions to people who struggled with doubts and questions. The problem is - that is how the institution keeps you believing those theological “truths”. When you have zero exposure to any other thought processes, and even deem them "from the devil", of course you will continue to believe what you’re taught over and over again. That’s human nature 101.
I still believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I am not an Atheist or even Agnostic. I believe more now than I ever have! It just looks different now. It feels different now. One of the main reasons it feels different is because none of my beliefs are rooted in fear anymore. I'm just trying to live my life the way Jesus did now.
I wanted to mention that because I know the intense fear that some of you (who may still be in Evangelical circles) may have as you read my blog entries. That fear that makes you worry for my eternity. The fear that makes you put me at the top of the prayer list and call your accountability partner and tell them about my “deception” and perhaps even mention to them that “She was probably never really one of us, then.” But I really WAS one of you. I was ALL IN. Completely surrendered, fully immersed. There may even be a fear that you won’t discuss out loud - the fear that maybe if it can happen to me, it could happen to you, too.
Please, don’t fear for me. God and I - we are good. We are, in fact, stronger than ever. I believe God is giving me the strength to speak out and the desire to share what I’ve learned. I think we have God wrong on so many levels in the American Evangelical Church. We put God in a very, very confined and predictable box. It's easier to understand God that way. But God doesn't fit in a box, nor is God interested in even entertaining our religious boxes that we desperately try to fit Him in. Or is it Her? Or They? I'm not sure.
I'm actually not sure of a lot of things these days. It's called a Mystery for a reason. But now I'm curious. I'm listening. I'm thankful for my journey, but it has been very hard. A little lonely. A bit frustrating. And it's been like a grief process letting go of what I thought was so very true. My entire identity was wrapped in my beliefs. I was completely immersed.
I'm hoping my blog entries will help you understand my process more. Perhaps even give you some things to think about yourself. However you plan on joining me, I'm glad you're here. I encourage you to check in often, perhaps even subscribe to the blog so you know when it's updated.
All of this to say....my sweater is now a pile of yarn on the floor in front of me. Slowly, I have begun to knit the sweater again - but this time I will hold it loosely. I will knit it loosely. I will leave room for questions. I will take my time. I will pray. And after I'm done knitting it, it may not even be a sweater anymore. I can't wait to see what it will be, though. 😊
Leslie
